why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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