so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
