I heard we made out
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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