Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
