I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
