Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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