CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
