I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this beer tastes like vomit already
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
