Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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