tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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