bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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