I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
