Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
