Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
