Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
