First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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