i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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