I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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