i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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