Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
