i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
