i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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