I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
two words: eviction party
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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