i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
