My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
