Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize