Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
