I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
