I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
