I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
