You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
