You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
