Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
