he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
