You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
