i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize