she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
