i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize