just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
