Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
