Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
