Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
