Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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