never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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