Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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