I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
