Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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