She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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