Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize