Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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