you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
