Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize