You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize