I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
