R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
