I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
