Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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