I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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