I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
