New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
they're like a gay fantastic four
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
