I showed him my bush... on skype.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
