I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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