im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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