But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
